Why External Problems Become Emotional Projects
Field Notes · by Kristen Tolbert
One thing I have noticed over decades of working with people is that they rarely become consumed by an external issue because of the issue alone. The issue becomes a psychological container.
Politics, professional titles, the economy, other people's behavior, the n...
Titration is What Most People Misunderstand About Psychotherapy
Why psychological change cannot be rushed, forced, or standardized.
The pace of therapy is not determined solely by the severity of symptoms, nor by the intelligence or motivation of the client. It is determined by something subtler: the individual's ability to remain psychologically present while...
Why Leadership Advice Fails
There is no shortage of commentary on leadership breakdowns inside modern organizations — widening power distances, executive insulation, and the subtle ways authority begins to distort communication and trust. These patterns are often described as "friction," but that term obscures more than it e...
Why People Put Themselves Down — and What It's Protecting
Self-effacement is rarely the humility it resembles. More often it's an organized defense — and understanding what it guards is the first step toward no longer needing it.
Most people recognize arrogance when they see it. But its quieter twin — self-effacement — often goes unnoticed, and is sometim...
Anxiety as a Detour: What It’s Really Protecting You From
When people say that anxiety is “running from feelings,” they’re not wrong. In fact, that’s often precisely accurate. But it’s also incomplete. Anxiety isn’t simply avoidance—it’s the psyche’s attempt to protect us from feelings that feel too threatening, disorganizing, or unacceptable to face di...
The Solomon Paradox: Can We Really Give Good Advice If We Don’t Know Ourselves?
The so-called Solomon paradox—the idea that people give wiser advice to others than they do to themselves—has a catchy appeal.
It feels true at first glance: we’ve all experienced how much easier it is to see someone else’s situation clearly while feeling lost in our own. But as a universal claim, ...
When Dissociation is Mistaken for Insight
Recognizing Emotional Disconnects
In therapy, the line between genuine insight and emotional dissociation can sometimes blur. Insight involves authentic emotional engagement, self-awareness, and understanding, enabling true personal growth and meaningful change. Dissociation, however, occurs whe...
Anxiety Is Not Overthinking. It’s Overfeeling Without Contact
Overfeeling Without Contact
Most people think of anxiety as a thinking problem: too many thoughts, too fast, too overwhelming. But what looks like overthinking is often overfeeling that hasn’t found contact.
Anxiety becomes the dominant signal when emotion is trying to surface but can’t find langu...
Anxiety Is Not About the Future: It’s What You’re Not Ready to Feel
Anxiety isn't fear of the future. It's the mind’s way of buying time when the body isn't ready to feel what’s true.
Why People Say Anxiety Is “Future-Oriented”
This framing comes from cognitive psychology, especially Aaron Beck’s cognitive theory of anxiety. According to this view:
-
Anxiety ...